Cops Squared

“Wouldn’t it be weird if you were watching Cops and the cops bust into your house with the Cops filming crew?” I asked Mr. Sierra #2 as I passed him a joint. (I will refer to Mr. Sierra #2 as DA or dumb ass for ease of writing from here on out.) We were sitting in the basement watching Cops. He took the joint, hit it and appeared to be pondering my question.

“Huh?” he asked as he handed the joint back and exhaled heavily.

“I mean like, we’re sitting here watching cops and smoking a joint. Wouldn’t it be crazy if the cops showed up, busted in our door, came in and the Cops show was with them filming? We would be on Cops watching Cops, like Cops superimposed on Cops. Cops squared.”

“That wouldn’t be weird that would suck,” he said. As soon as he finished that sentence we heard pounding on our front door. It wasn’t someone knocking on our door. It was three hard, precise and demanding blows. We looked at each other and spoke at the exact same time.

“No fucking way,” I said.

“That’s the police,” DA declared.

If you have ever heard the police knock on a door you know what I am talking about. I actually wished it was Jehovah Witnesses at my door for once. I would even listen to them if it would make the police go away.

“Go answer it,” he said jumping up from his chair.

“No, you go answer it. Why do I have to?”

“I got shit to hide,” he said while sticking the rest of our weed and a scale on top of a heating vent in the basement ceiling.

He was in a panic because he was on probation and already had a six month suspended sentence hanging over his head. I was in a panic because it’s real easy to get high, but getting sober on demand isn’t. The police pounded on the door again.

“Go,” he yelled.

As I walked upstairs and to the door I kept trying to focus and act normal. Then I started thinking, which is never good. I was home, DA was home and Pumpkin was home. Oh my god, Ruby isn’t here. What if something happened to Ruby? My high mind grabbed a hold of that thought and intensified it while I walked to the door. By the time I opened it, I was in a complete panic. I swung open the door and looked at the two police officers standing on my porch. Ruby wasn’t with them. I looked at their squad car, she wasn’t there either.

“Where is she?” I practically screamed at them stepping out on the porch.


“Ruby. Is she hurt?” I was in tears now. I forgot I was high, the hysteria took over.

“That’s what we are here to check on,” one of the officers said.

“She isn’t here. Where is she?” I repeated.

One of the officers took a pad out of his pocket.

“We are here to do a safety check on Elizabeth. I don’t know who Ruby is,” he said.

“I’m Elizabeth. I’m fine. Why would you check on me?” I asked as I wondered how the hell they knew I was smoking weed and they should check on me. Now I remembered I was high and I was confused.

“Your mother called and said she called you. She said when you answered the phone all you did was moan. She said she thinks your husband is trying to kill you. Are you ok?”

Before I could answer his question, Pumpkin came out on the porch.

“What’s up?” he asked me.

“Boy, do you have my phone?”

“Yeah,” he said as he got my cell phone out of his pocket.

“Grandma thinks DA is trying to kill me so she sent the cops. What the hell is wrong with you?” I ask as I punch his arm.

“I was just messing around. I answered it and started making noise just to fuck with her,” he said laughing.

“So you are Elizabeth?” one of the police officers asked me.


“And you are ok?” he asked uncertainly.

“I’m fine.”

“No one is trying to hurt you?”

“Not unless you count mental anguish.”


One thought on “Cops Squared

  1. im laying here in Atlantic City reading this. I could picture the entire scenario. OMG! That boy! I love reading your stories. They keep me laughing. PEACE


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